~Andre Gide
This weekend I continued with the process of cleaning and emptying things out. I usually find every excuse in the book to avoid breaking that evil barrier that leads into the valley of what I consider demon hell...the shed. It's really amazing to me that I have survived life because if you know me, you know that I loathe anything that crawls, flies, buzzes or hops and this task to me, was considered the most daunting. After all, I have to clean it which means really getting in there and having a full fledged experience, being "one" with the shed. Good god where do I start?
I'll admit that I haven't taken care of the shed simply because of the lingering evil that lies inside. Simply approaching the little building brings on panic and immediate sweat but this time, I will, I must prevail. As the doors open, the crickets (gross!) scatter as if they sense a tsunami is about to hit land. Scream #1. Slowly, I remove the most used articles (lawnmower, wheel barrow, etc) that sit right at the door because I try not to have to go any further into these depths of hell than necessary when my son is not there to mow. Once I get past that wall of "protection", I feel the sense that I've just opened myself up to the rights for an evil possession. Here comes the sweat and heart palpitations! As I look around, I notice that there is seed everywhere on the floor from a bag that looks like it now has a hole in it. There is an extremely well formed circle straight through the side of the wood which you can clearly see outside. There are vacant bees nests lining the sides, both mud nests and comb hives and lastly, there are turd droppings on the floor. Keep the emergency ambulance phone # handy because this doesn't look good! I figure the best (and safest) option for remaining alive is to just take everything outside and deal with it there so I begin...slowly, as not to disturb the creature that obviously has taken refuge here. Things aren't going too bad until I reach up to remove an old lawnmower bag that has, most likely, been sitting there for 10 years, that falls to the floor and out scurries a mouse (gross!)! Screams #2,3 and 4. I've been in this house for 12 years and this is the first time I've seen a mouse on my premises?? I'm ok with that. After the hair on my arms relax and the goosebumps subside, I continue, saying out loud "if anything else decides to jump out at me, I'm burning this F'er down!". I'm in deep now. There's no escape. As I move a box in the corner to pull it out, a massive amount of ants (gross!) scurry to the corner to what I'm sure was their pre-planned escape route. Screams #5 and 6. I guess when I spray the house foundation with Ortho Max Protection, this is where they come! I was ok with that before entering this hell. After the goosebumps subside...again, I quickly think to myself that I'm glad I didn't bother shaving, and I continue. It was obvious that the mouse has been here for quite some time. I found little nests of twigs and "stuff" scattered throughout along with what I assumed was the result of this critter's bowel movements...ok, mouse turds. This can't be healthy to the rabbits that live underneath. :) Once everything was outside and the floor was swept, it was time to clean stuff and put it away. As I was moving the lawn mower back into the shed, I felt a tingling sensation on my calf. I looked down and there was a spider (gross!) the size of a silver dollar camping out waiting for the opportunity to spin a tourniquet web around my my leg! Screams #7 and 8.
Once I was done, I was dirty, tired, hoarse and relieved.
My neighbors didn't come running to save me so either my screams weren't as loud as they sounded or they just didn't care. Either way, That shower never felt better but the rest of the day I still felt like I had critters crawling all over me. What's that called? Delusional parasitosis sounds neat-o. I'm happy to say that I'll never have to enter that hell again.
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