The sad thing is...

...I don't have to think twice about eating the salsa.

As soon as I drove off the campus of University of New Haven after dropping my son off for his first year away at college, I knew my life would be different and I knew it was going to be a long ride home alone.  I held it together while I was there for the day getting him settled in with the strangers who he would now be sharing his life.  10:30am - 3pm.  That was my alotted time to prepare both of us for the adjustment of our lives and to make sure his new life away from home was as comfortable and secure as it could possibly be.  5 hours to unpack and say goodbye to the one I've raised for 18 years leaving me feeling like I've abandoned him.  I suppose there are good reasons for these limitations.  I suppose some parents might be well inclined to stay the night if they were allowed.  I suppose I might be one of those parents.  I've been trying to prepare myself for several months now but there is nothing that can possibly be done to prepare for something like this.  You could say that I've had months to "say goodbye" and in a way I have, but it's different when you're in the moment.  Wheeling the empty suitcases back to the car is when it all hit me; trying to hide my face under my baseball cap so the cars passing by wouldn't think of me as weak.  Crying for 2 hours home then realizing after that long ride home alone when you pull into the driveway looking at the recently cut lawn that there may not be a reason to have even come home.  Realizing that you didn't take anything out of the freezer to thaw because there would be no one to cook for tonight so you settle for chips and salsa, briefly thinking of saving the salsa for Tyler because it's his favorite kind.  My bad.  It's the little things like starting laundry downstairs and seeing the empty space that used to house his XBox.  Or opening the freezer to have Tyler's mint chocolate chip ice cream staring me down.  All this emotion and I haven't even hit the whole house yet!

*sigh*

Yes, he's only away at college and some parents may deal with it differently or perhaps even be happy that their kids are away.  This is how it affects me because he has been my life for 18 years.  I will miss him plain and simple but I know he'll be ok.  I should be thankful we're at least in the same time zone.

It's Thursday.  I can't wait to see how lovely I look tomorrow for work...

The Games we Play

Today I rode 55 miles in 3:08.  I'm getting faster because perhaps now I actually know how to ride my bike, or I think I do anyway. Or perhaps after a year and a half of triathlon, someone finally told me to take off the geeky reflectors which I'm sure was causing some resistence. ;)  Or maybe my luck today was due to the fact that it wasn't hot out and maybe the slickness on the road due to the rain, "slid" me along just a tad bit faster.  Or maybe I should just give myself a little bit of credit in that I actually may be getting better.  Whatever the reason, I'll take it.  The biking leg is fastly becoming my favorite in this game and sometimes I think about taking the swim and run out of the equation and putting all of my focus on the two wheels.  I can't seem to pull that trigger just yet but we'll see what happens in the future.

Who is it that takes over when I hop on my bike? Suddenly, I'm in the middle of a race. I've placed myself there and there are only two of us with timing chips. I try to catch that invisible rider ahead of me but I can never catch her. That one song comes on that makes me pedal a little faster, a little harder but I continue to swallow her dust because she's listening to that same song.

...just one of the many games I play when I ride.

What games do you find yourself playing on the bike?  Or during any of parts of your training for that matter?  For me? ...

• I never go down to the lowest gear because there's no saving grace after that
• Can I go up that hill the second time around one gear higher than I did the last time?
• How soon before the top of a hill can I go up a gear or two to put more fire in my legs?
• How fast can I speed up before I begin an ascent? Yeah, like it's a mountain.
• I do NOT ride out of the saddle on climbs unless I've completely stopped and have fallen over.
• Can I do the second half of the ride all in the big chain ring?
• I adjust the angle of my ride just so I can laugh at myself.  "this...or this?"

My first Olympic race is this coming weekend and I'm really hoping that I do well despite the fact that I haven't been able to swim since my last race (2 weeks ago)..  It should be interesting to see how I pace myself.  After that, I have nothing planned...and this irritates me.  I do, however, have some swim sessions scheduled with an actual coach to help me with fundamentals.  Yep, you heard me right.  I actually swallowed that pill of pride and asked for help.  After all, two years of swimming and not getting any better...something must be wrong, right?

Has anyone seen my Mojo Batteries?

Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts. ~ Winston Churchill

Where the hell is my energizer bunny? I need a zap!

I'm not sure what's going on with me lately but my training schedule, or rather, the execution of my training schedule has been lacking to say the least. I'd like to spit nails but it seems I swallow them instead. I have no mojo and this dive I seem to have taken is disappointing in my eyes. For the past 2 months, I'd say, I've had no qualms about missing days of training whereas in the past, I'd mentally beat myself up for days for even thinking of skipping out or slacking with what I do. Plain and simple, there are other things I'd rather be doing at this moment in my life. A lot of eating seems to be one of those things. Do I need a break? I'm not sure I can say that since I feel I've been on a siesta time-out for more than just a couple of hours. Is it that the gray hairs and saggy boobs that have pounced on me proves that I'm getting old and for whatever reason, I feel like I deserve to just stop? Who could blame me, right? Wrong. I can't really say that either since that doesn't represent my way of thinking in the past. There have been a lot of changes in my life recently leaving me with a lot of things to contemplate and maybe all of those piled up things are starting to affect me negatively...maybe there's a slight bout of depression setting in.

I wish I had something to blame other than the fact that I'm just being lazy but there are reasons beyond my control like the poison ivy that invaded my arms and legs this past weekend leaving me unable to frolic in the pool. I know, I know, fellow triathletes...find some open water. That's easier said than done for me.  And this certainly doesn't have any relevance to my "I'll do it tomorrow" attitude prior to this weekend. The problems I've been having with my knee and ankle certainly have been detrimental to what was once productive training. But these issues are temporary and are getting better so what can I blame now? Nothing.  You would think watching the Olympics for the past 2 weeks or watching my girlfriend complete an Ironman would snap me out of this black hole and inspire me to push harder, but no.  I just need to get off my low rider and step up a few rungs on the ladder.  Now it's time to get off the vacation plane and take out the unknown on my poor bike and my new running shoes.

I need to keep going.  After all, I'm not done yet.