My Angel Speaks

Take a breath. A nice deep breath.

As usual, the analytical side of you is taking over. Despite that your heart feels that this new adventure is 100% right for you, you are still cautious. The numbers add up yet you still search for that mathematical error; that mistake that you've made so many times in the past. You never know what might happen no matter what the situation. Stop clinging to those thoughts and dive deep into your heart. The heart is where the truth lies. That is what you need to see. Forget your past. Your past does not define you. It's what you learn from your past that carries you into the future with hope and happiness.

You've learned a lot over the years. Be proud.

My Hell...the Shed

There are very few monsters who warrant the fear we have of them.
~Andre Gide

This weekend I continued with the process of cleaning and emptying things out. I usually find every excuse in the book to avoid breaking that evil barrier that leads into the valley of what I consider demon hell...the shed. It's really amazing to me that I have survived life because if you know me, you know that I loathe anything that crawls, flies, buzzes or hops and this task to me, was considered the most daunting. After all, I have to clean it which means really getting in there and having a full fledged experience, being "one" with the shed. Good god where do I start? 

I'll admit that I haven't taken care of the shed simply because of the lingering evil that lies inside. Simply approaching the little building brings on panic and immediate sweat but this time, I will, I must prevail. As the doors open, the crickets (gross!) scatter as if they sense a tsunami is about to hit land. Scream #1. Slowly, I remove the most used articles (lawnmower, wheel barrow, etc) that sit right at the door because I try not to have to go any further into these depths of hell than necessary when my son is not there to mow. Once I get past that wall of "protection", I feel the sense that I've just opened myself up to the rights for an evil possession. Here comes the sweat and heart palpitations! As I look around, I notice that there is seed everywhere on the floor from a bag that looks like it now has a hole in it. There is an extremely well formed circle straight through the side of the wood which you can clearly see outside. There are vacant bees nests lining the sides, both mud nests and comb hives and lastly, there are turd droppings on the floor. Keep the emergency ambulance phone # handy because this doesn't look good! I figure the best (and safest) option for remaining alive is to just take everything outside and deal with it there so I begin...slowly, as not to disturb the creature that obviously has taken refuge here. Things aren't going too bad until I reach up to remove an old lawnmower bag that has, most likely, been sitting there for 10 years, that falls to the floor and out scurries a mouse (gross!)! Screams #2,3 and 4. I've been in this house for 12 years and this is the first time I've seen a mouse on my premises?? I'm ok with that. After the hair on my arms relax and the goosebumps subside, I continue, saying out loud "if anything else decides to jump out at me, I'm burning this F'er down!". I'm in deep now. There's no escape. As I move a box in the corner to pull it out, a massive amount of ants (gross!) scurry to the corner to what I'm sure was their pre-planned escape route. Screams #5 and 6. I guess when I spray the house foundation with Ortho Max Protection, this is where they come! I was ok with that before entering this hell. After the goosebumps subside...again, I quickly think to myself that I'm glad I didn't bother shaving, and I continue. It was obvious that the mouse has been here for quite some time. I found little nests of twigs and "stuff" scattered throughout along with what I assumed was the result of this critter's bowel movements...ok, mouse turds. This can't be healthy to the rabbits that live underneath. :) Once everything was outside and the floor was swept, it was time to clean stuff and put it away. As I was moving the lawn mower back into the shed, I felt a tingling sensation on my calf. I looked down and there was a spider (gross!) the size of a silver dollar camping out waiting for the opportunity to spin a tourniquet web around my my leg! Screams #7 and 8. 

Once I was done, I was dirty, tired, hoarse and relieved. 

My neighbors didn't come running to save me so either my screams weren't as loud as they sounded or they just didn't care. Either way, That shower never felt better but the rest of the day I still felt like I had critters crawling all over me. What's that called? Delusional parasitosis sounds neat-o. I'm happy to say that I'll never have to enter that hell again.

The End Draws Near

Open house on Saturday, sold on Tuesday. 

Who would have ever thought it would take only 4 days to sell a home?  Not only that but having buyers that are willing to accept my terms of waiting 3 months for a closing date!  I've blogged before about how lucky I tend to be but this is ridiculous!

This is my home for only 3 more months.  A lot of memories pile up in 12 years, those now to be pushed slightly to the side to make room for more.  I've openly expressed all of my concerns about moving to family and friends and have gotten many responses to attempt to calm my nerves.  "You're just a plane ride away", "It's just a house. You'll make more memories"...pfssst.  Thanks guys, but I don't feel any better.  I can't really say that all of this fast paced activity has caught up to my brain quite yet.  I'm sure when the dust settles and I'm well on my way to making more memories, that I'll finally sit down to mourne. 

I'm finding that during this process of packing up and reflecting on the past 12 years, I'm realizing that there are things I wished I'd done. 

Like taking more pictures.  It's funny, I have a crap load of pictures but instead of focusing on the moments I did capture, I focus on the moments I didn't.  I need to stop that.  Kids grow up fast.  Take lots of pictures.

Like making those home repairs sooner.  After I went through repairs preparing to sell, I heard from a lot of people that after making their repairs before selling, they didn't want to move.  I went through that moment, albeit quickly.  Make those repairs so you can call them your own and so you can enjoy them.

Like not keeping so much junk.  There's something very liberating about "cleaning out".  I did a lot of it and felt relieved afterwards.  Not to mention everything I was able to donate.

Like planting more flowers and trees.  We planted 2 trees in my 12 years living here.  The maple in the back is well on it's way to taking over the yard and the japanese maple in the front isn't any bigger than it was 11 years ago when I planted it. :)  I love flowers.  I wish I had taken the time every year to plant something new.

Like taking more time to enjoy the nature that goes on in my back yard.  The woods are amazing.  All the sounds from birds, crickets, animals...I live in a quiet neighborhood except for these sounds.  Why is it only now that I start to pay attention to them?

I can't change the past but I can make changes for the future.

26 Acts of Kindness Part III

Of all the nice things that I could do you'd think this would be easier. 

First, I forgot what I was supposed to be doing.  I went a couple of weeks without even thinking about my goal of carrying out 26 Acts of Kindness.  Completely forgot. Thank goodness I didn't put a time limit on my goal!  This makes me wonder what kind of person I truly am.  If I have to consciously make an effort to be kind, am I really a kind person?  Of course this doesn't mean that I don't have general kindness in my soul like saying 'hello' when I see someone or holding the door open when someone is behind me but if I have to think of things to do, does that count?  I want to say 'no'.  Sometimes I think we're all so wrapped up in our own worlds that we don't stop and notice our surroundings.  I keep wanting to tell myself that I don't get out enough, therefore having no opportunities to see what needs to be acted upon.  Although that is somewhat true, it shouldn't be my excuse.  I've been saying it for years...I need to stop and smell the roses.

Second, I need to stick to my definition of "Acts of Kindness".  I had these grandeur acts planned out that either require loads of cash (which I don't have) or loads of time.  An act of kindness doesn't need to be over the top, just sincere.  Remember that, Brenda.

Third, I need to stop planning acts and just "do 'em as I see 'em".  This will require me to stop and smell the roses, make me more aware of people which in turn will hopefully make being kind a natural, unconscious quality.  

All I truly want is to be a kind person.

Peace.